Complaining to Thankfulness

I really don't know what to say in this blog post except that I'm starting a 21 day challenge to stop complaining. I have found that complaining just starts this hemorraging affect within the soul. It's like a negative tornado that sucks the happiness out of life... I am sick of being sad... I don't want to blame others and I don't want to feel tumultuous. I know I gave Tammy a good reason to leave me... I am the fault of it all. It was impossible to support somebody who was falling for like 3 weeks. My ears, then the house... then just work.. and now Tammy... but there are some positives to it. I mean I have to find myself and I have to find my rhtymn. I can't depend on other people to make me happy. I have to find my own happy place. Right now I think it's a great opportunity for me to find it. Although it may be a lonely time, I think after some time I will find it. I hope God is with me in this journey.


Sincerely,

Matthew S. Jagnarain

Depression

Words cannot express the amount of depression I am feeling. I don't know what God's will is for my life, and whenever I meet a girl that I like and want to be with I give her my all. I give her all of my being. I suppose it's because it's what my dad didn't do for my mother... I would do it for this girl... I would make her feel like the most loved woman of all time. However, sometimes my loving can be overwhelming and it stops becoming a gift.. Rather it becomes a burden. I put a lot of pressure on girls in the past and sometimes I didn't commit to anything. Rather, I gave up before it all began. Lord, I don't know what the hell to do. I'm so upset but I want you to show me your will. I've kept the faith in you throughout my trials. I've thrown my worst language at you in anger, but you've always seemed to stay with me. Lord, what do I do? What can I do? Please led me where you want me to be.. I know it's not going to be easy at times, but this is something I value a lot. I want a relationship to help me through a lot of things.. Lord, please provide somebody there for me.

Matthew S. Jagnarain

Forgiveness

I need forgiveness in my life... Constantly and consistently... Lord, I don't know who to go to for this but I know that I constantly fail people.. I constantly fail you... Lord what am I to do.. I'm neither consistent or constant... I'm a failure Lord... What do I do? When I'm in your presence it's best for me to just shut my mouth and do nothing... Lord... Please help me..


Matthew S. Jagnarain

This just became interesting

So I've decided to return to blogging. Mainly to enhance my personal journaling skills, but to also essentially keep track of my thoughts and my struggles. Everyday we should be thankful for all that we have. I mean I live in America. I do have a lot of freedoms and liberties, but at the same time, there are people who just take it away.. Some took advantage over my youth, others just did it with my emotions, and I gave it away to them.

Life can be one of the most interesting aspects if we study how we got where we are today from our past, but I don't think that's helpful until our older years. Mainly because we'd focus so much on what we could have changed, but in many ways cannot change it. Rather, we should focus on how we can make today impact tomorrow and keep going from there.

I know at times I do get frustrated, and I do get rather suicidal. However, I think about the selfishness it is. I know at times I'm more valuable dead than I am alive (WHICH IS CRAZY!). Who wouldn't want to take their life in that situation...

I know sometimes I do sound crazy, and it's not my intention to make people panic.. I just get over zealous... I want to do something about the world.. To my young naive eyes... I want to be a major change for good. It's all in the details I suppose.. The small everyday things that really make the difference.. Not the big things..



Matt Jag